I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
