her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
In other news, I just burned my penis
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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