where am i from again
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
