if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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