Sponge bath it is.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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