mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
