it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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