Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
