Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
