I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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