Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Randomize
