Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
