I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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