remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
