So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
