Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
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