my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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