there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
