im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
