we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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