I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
