god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
