Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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