I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
