How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
