A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he was CRYING into my vagina
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
