I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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