I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
