Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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