the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
