he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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