Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Cover your peen. We're going out.
FUCK WHALES
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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