You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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