The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
