I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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