If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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