Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
