its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
