I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
