i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
