this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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