I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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