Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
