thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
