big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
