shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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