I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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