My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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