nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
