In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
