Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
