Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dude i'm inner monologue high
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
