ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My feet surprised me
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
