that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
