Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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